You’ll Catch More Flies with Honey: Why Authority Isn’t the Leadership Attribute You Need Right Now

Most of us have heard the expression, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And while I’ve never been quite sure why we would want to catch flies, the point is clear: leading with kindness and positivity is much more effective at persuading others than being rude or condescending.

And those of us working in nonprofit fundraising already know this truth in our bones: almost nothing we need to get done is fully within our control. We need program staff and faculty to provide fund use information for stewardship reports. We need the CEO's time for a major donor visit. We need database admins to pull crucial data for reports. We need volunteers to show up prepared and on message. And in most cases, none of these people report to us.

This is why "lead through influence, not authority" isn't just a leadership buzz phrase for our field—it's the job.

When I was a wee nonprofiteer, I often thought about changemaking in terms of “if only” and “one day.” If only I had XYZ title, they would listen to me. One day when I am the ABC of this department, we’ll do things differently. And yes, as I progressed in my career, the titles sometimes opened doors to needed conversations. Positions made it seemingly easier to shape the agenda.

But the most meaningful and lasting change I’ve ever been part of wasn’t the result of positional authority––it took place because of coalition-building, compromise, and more than a healthy dose of common courtesy. So, while there’s nothing wrong with striving for promotions and career advancement, most of us already have the tools we need to effect change from any seat within our organizations, without waiting for someday.    

It starts by recognizing the primary reasons influence beats authority in the nonprofit world.

Why Influence Wins

1. Your success depends on people you don't manage A major gift rarely closes because one person willed it into existence––never say never, but amiright? It comes to life because the communications team crafted a compelling story of impact told to them by a program officer, because finance structured the right agreement to address the donor’s concerns about fund administration, because leadership showed up for the ask, because a volunteer board member made the introduction. You're the connective tissue across all of it, but you have no formal authority over most of these people and how they do their work. Command-and-control simply doesn't reach that far. Influence does.
   

2. The skills that build donor trust are the same skills that build organizational trust Think about what makes a donor relationship work: listening before asking, understanding what someone truly cares about, following through on small commitments, being honest about what you can and can't deliver. Those are the same behaviors that earn you credibility with colleagues, executives, and volunteers. Fundraisers who lead well internally are usually just applying the donor-relationship muscle they've already built—turned inward.
   

3. Influence outlasts your title, your org chart, and your budget line Nonprofits reorganize. Roles get redefined, and budgets get cut. People leave the organization, and sometimes a colleague you relied on takes a new job. If your ability to get things done was built entirely on positional authority, all of that evaporates the moment your position changes. But once you've built genuine influence—a reputation for being useful, trustworthy, and collaborative—that travels with you. It survives reorgs. It's the kind of capital that compounds over a career instead of resetting with every new job title.

Putting It into Practice

Knowing influence matters is one thing. Building it day-to-day is another. As with any leadership skill, the key to getting it is simply to start with everyday practice. Here are a few proven tactics to help build your internal influence:

Lead with their priorities, not your needs.

Before going to the systems staff for data or to finance for a favor, spend a few minutes understanding what's on their plate right now. Doing so can help you frame a request in terms of what it means for them: fewer donor questions later, a stronger case for their own budget, whatever it is.

Some of the most meaningful changes I’ve been part of in my career were centralizing functions in a large, decentralized organization. Rallying colleagues around organizational efficiency, cost savings, and positive impact to consistency in the donor experience was the easy part. But truly getting others on board required a more nuanced approach of listening to the unique needs of partners and answering the all-important question: What’s in It for Me (WIIFM)?

This is a crucial step in gaining the necessary buy-in to sustain any significant change initiative––and it’s one we can too often overlook from a position of mandating such change through authority. Incorporating this approach not only strengthens our influence, but it also often has the added benefit of making the change we seek even better by being more responsive to our partners’ needs and ideas.  

Bank trust before you need it.

The best time to build a relationship with your colleagues is before you need something urgent from them. Take them out for coffee. Show up when invited (yes, even and especially to some of the social gatherings). Ask genuine questions about their work. Get to know them and what’s important to their sense of success. Influence is a balance you build up over time, not a talent you can conjure on demand.

Share the "why," not just the "what."

People who understand the reasoning behind a request are far more likely to go the extra mile than people who are just told what to do. Never skip this step. As humans, we crave meaning, and understanding the purpose behind any effort gives it more credibility. Give context to your ask—outline the long-term objective, share why the timeline matters, highlight what's at stake for the mission—instead of just handing off a task (yes, even with team members you DO supervise).

Make small, visible commitments and keep them.

Influence is built on keeping promises one at a time. If you say you'll send the briefing by Friday, send it by Friday. Consistency at the small scale is what earns you the benefit of the doubt at the large scale.

Take it from someone who is almost always working from a place of overcommitment in a fast-moving environment with big goals (sound familiar?), this follow-through matters. It builds and reinforces credibility. And as someone who is also far from perfect at delivering on these commitments, one crucial step keeps this practice from collapsing: communication. We can’t always keep every obligation, but sharing updated information and timelines goes a long way to maintaining faith in our ability to show up.  

Give credit generously.

When a gift closes, when an event is a success, when the impact reports are delivered, make sure your partners, the volunteers, the caterers—all who contributed—receive visible credit for their part. Recognize the small things, too. Say thank you. Make note in front of leadership how others made success possible. People remember who made them look good, and they show up for that person again.

Ask for input before you ask for buy-in.

This is one of the most effective ways to build influence, and it’s something too many of us are not taught early in our careers, when we are seeking to prove our worth by having all the answers. Loop colleagues in while a plan is still taking shape, not after it's finalized. People support what they help build. Asking for input early costs a little time upfront and can save a lot of resistance later.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to seek input not just from those I thought would champion a plan, but also––and importantly––from those who might be critical or inclined not to support it. Gaining their buy-in often required changing and ultimately strengthening the plan, but even when compromise was necessary, the trade-off in effecting change that works for more people was worth it.  

The Bottom Line

Positional authority might result in compliance. Influence gets us genuine partnership—the kind that shows up consistently, goes the extra mile, and sticks around even when our titles change. And in nonprofit fundraising, where results depend on people across the entire organization pulling in the same direction, that difference isn't academic. It's the whole job.

So, consider that change you’ve been wanting to make in your organization. Rather than waiting for a promotion or reorganization that may or may not happen, think about how you can show up differently––where you are now––and lead from a place of influence.

Ready to strengthen your influence?

It takes time to become a leader who inspires others. You grow by connecting with people, testing new ideas, and sharing experiences with those who understand your challenges. That’s what you’ll find at our Four Pillars Conferences.

Join us at an upcoming conference to discover practical strategies, take part in honest conversations, and connect with a community of donor relations professionals who are dedicated to raising the bar for their organizations, their donors, and themselves.

Written by Matthew Helmer